Vanguard

No, this is not Brad McQuaid’s failure of epic proportions Vanguard: Saga of Heroes, GameTap doesn’t have that.  Instead, they have the 1981 side scroller Vanguard.  Perhaps Mr. McQuaid’s game would have done better had he not lifted his title from a previous game.

Vanguard - Not a Saga of HeroesVanguard is… fairly awful.  Its typical, side scrolling and shooting while avoiding stuff.  The game has one minor twist in that its not all side scrolling.  It is also diagonal scrolling and top scrolling.  As you progress through the level, sometime it changes direction.  And then at the end of each level, it stops scrolling so you can fight the boss.  The controls are as you would expect, using a dual stick game pad the left stick is movement and the right stick is shooting.  Oh, because you can shoot in 4 directions.  If you do decide to play the game, I give this advice: Ignore the North, South, East, West options for firing, instead use North-East, North-West, South-East and South-West.  Hitting these will fire two directions at once (North-East will first North AND East).  Seeing as your goal is to kill everything, there is never a reason for you to not be firing in two directions at once.

All in all, the game is a bore, and I found myself thinking that I’d rather be playing Defender.  However, I did find the game to be more fun when instead of being some valiant soldier fighting for survival I imagined myself as the invading force.  This was made easier through the sections where you are blowing up alien houses, people and their pets, none of which fire back at you.  To paraphrase a film that does not deserve the indignity of being associated with this game or its review: Anyone that runs is an alien hostile! Anyone that stands still is a well trained alien hostile!

… and… I’m out.

The AXE Effect

My fiancee did the grocery shopping this week, and I was in need of deodorant. Normally I just pick myself up a stick of Degree or something, whatever is on sale. But she picked up a stick of AXE. Now, I’d seen the commercials, and I warned her before I used it, but she said it was okay.

Well, the drive to work was fine, but walking from the parking lot to the office I was already fending off the women. I eventually had to break into a run and get inside. The food court area was tough, and I lost my jacket to the mob. And at the security desk is where it finally happened, she wouldn’t let me past until I allowed her to service me.

Zipping up my pants I quickly stepped into the nearest elevator. Damn, occupied. The other two gentlemen with us looked uncomfortable as the woman attacked me. Three more stops just from the elevator to my desk. That’s when the line started to form.

After a while I really needed to get some work done, so I started taking the women in twosomes and threesomes, eventually moving up to foursomes by mid-afternoon. Finally five o’clock rolled around and I stole down the fire stairs. Twenty-two floors just to avoid them.

I got lucky and made it to my car without incident, and once inside with the windows up and the air conditioning set on internal air, I was safe.

Monday’s going to be rough.

(None of this really happened. Turns out the AXE Effect is just smelling like deodorant.)

And that`s two.

This time its the vent glass on the rear door of the passenger side. And it turns out the vent glass isn’t as useless as I pictured. An enterprising thief used a stick or something after breaking the vent glass to push the power door lock button.

With the doors open, he was free to pry off the dashboard cover and steal my stereo.

Twice in two weeks. What are the odds? I was even parked in a “better” packing lot… better only so far as unmanned-pay-money-in-a-slotted-board lots can be.

I decided I want a car alarm… but not one that prevents break-ins. I want one that allows the break-in, and then kills the intruder. I was to find dead street thugs laying in pools of blood when I discover my car has again been vandalized or a target for theft. Kill ’em all.